I came upon this quote from Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations:

“And if it’s that you’re not doing something you think you should be why not just do it.”

It was calling me out for procrastinating, for making excuses, for expecting that conditions needed to be perfect before I could begin again. Elsewhere, everywhere, I saw the same message being echoed back to me, likely spoken into the world by my own subconscious: Just BE an artist. Create art. It was something I had been neglecting: I claim to be an artist, yet I haven’t been drawing or painting much at all.

The irony is that much of this year has been spent improving various aspects of my life: I’m near to successfully completing my 30-day health and fitness challenge, I’ve been good about reading almost every night before bedtime, and I’ve reduced my hours on social media to near zero. But the one thing that quite possibly is the most important thing that I should work on is that which I so actively avoid – being an artist and regularly committing time to creating.

Art always takes a backseat to whatever else I am doing. As it is not a source of income at this point, it gets pushed aside for my work as a veterinarian and dog behavior consultant. Because people and animals depend on me, my time is theirs before I indulge my creativity.

And that is it exactly: I think of art as an indulgence, a guilty pleasure, when really it shouldn’t be. It seems I’ve never managed to break free of my childhood conditioning – the thinking that art and creative pursuits are not to be taken seriously, they are merely a hobby.

Then there is the thought that, if ever I do allow myself a creative moment, and if ever I should seek to prove to myself and to others that I can make something out of this that will sustain me in life, it must render grand and undeniable, perfect results. And if there is a chance of failure, it’s best not to put things to the test in the first place.

The gap between self-doubt and self-realization needs to be filled. And the way to fill it is by just doing.

So I will allow myself practice and imperfection. I’m going to create art and make it a habit. And as with my previous challenges, I’ll start with a 30-day commitment.

I purchased a sketchbook, expecting nothing from myself except to fill its pages. There is no such thing as bad art or wrong art. But the pen, the pencil, the brush must keep moving and blank spaces need to be filled.